Thinking of Opening Up Your Relationship? Ask Yourself These 10 Questions First

Opening up can be exciting, nerve wracking and sexy. And what’s sexier than a long list of questions designed to spark thoughtful discussion? We’re not saying you need a relationship agreement for every single item on this list, but here’s some ideas to get the conversation flowing:

Your values

When making important decisions, it can help to think about your values, and how you want your values to be connected to your actions. How does your commitment to a consensually non-monogamous relationship model connect to your values? 

How much bandwidth do you REALLY have for external relationships?

We recommend doing a time study and a review of your budget to determine how much bandwidth you have for external partners. You may value the idea of seeing a partner multiple nights a week, but after a time study, realize you have time/money for a date out of the house once every 2 weeks. This can also be a great time to check in about whether your existing budget and division of domestic labor feel equitable. Non-monogamy won’t necessarily create new issues, but it will heighten dynamics that are already in place so it’s important to address these issues now. We love Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play card game to explore this with your partner.

What kind of non-monogamous relationship structure are you aiming for?

From swinging to kitchen table polyamory there’s so many different ways to be non-monogamous. Not to mention all the new lingo you’ve got to learn! Do you have certain structures you’re drawn to? Or are you open to connecting with people and seeing where those relationships take you? And if you need a hand with all the new vocab words, check out our article The Non-Monogamy Glossary. 

What degree of “outness” do you want to have?

Will friends, family, co-workers, kids and social media know you have multiple partners? Will dating certain people unwittingly out your partner as polyamorous in a way they are not comfortable or yet ready for? How will you share this information with new partners, so they can make an informed decision about whether they are comfortable participating in a relationship with these terms?

Who will you date?

Are you open to dating anyone and supporting your partner dating anyone? Is it ok to date mutual friends? Significant exs from past monogamous relationships? Co-workers? Your partner’s co-workers? Friends of your partner? Partnerships where there is a significant power imbalance (like workplace subordinates or partners with large age gaps)?

What will you do on dates?

Are there certain romantic activities that are reserved for your current partner that will not be available to your new partners? This could be something as specific as “dates at the restaurant where we got engaged” or involve questions like living arrangements, having children together, fluid bonding (fluid bonding describes a sexual relationship where the members of the relationship are not using any kind of barrier method during sex), celebrating holidays, going on vacation together, buying expensive presents or experiences, celebrating major life milestones, comingling of finances, posts on social media or terms of endearment.

If you have children will they be involved?

If you have children, do you anticipate new partners meeting children? Seeing photos of your children? (For the love of god please don’t put photos of your kids in your dating profile). Do you anticipate them participating in any shared parenting decisions? Do you imagine them having the opportunity to maintain a relationship (if they and/or your child wishes) with your child if your romantic relationship ends? How will external dates impact the division of childcare responsibilities?

How integrated will your new partner(s) be?

Do you anticipate new partners meeting your family? Your partner’s family? Do you anticipate new partners meeting your friends? Your partners friends? Do you anticipate your partner meeting your other partner(s)? Do you anticipate people having relationships with their metamours (a word that describes the partner of your partner) without your involvement?

How involved in non-monogamy community do you want to be?

Is it important to you to make friends with other non-monogamous folks? Do you anticipate dating people who have experience with consensual non-monogamy? Could you see yourself dating someone who was brand new to this relationship structure? Could you see yourself dating someone who is open to dating someone polyamorous, but who does not intend to date other partners themselves? To what extent is it important to you to confirm that the partner(s) of your external partners know and are consenting to being in a polyamorous relationship? Would you date someone who was interested in dating you, but having an affair?

How will you prioritize romance in your current partnership?

Does this involve scheduling a date night? Planning a shared vacation? Try to make sure you’re doing something beyond the administrative tasks of being in relationship (like cleaning the house, paying bills, and caring for children).  There is a phenomenon called “new relationship energy” that describes the intense limerence phase of a new relationship, how are you going to cultivate awareness of this so that you can enjoy it, while also celebrating the “established relationship energy” of your existing partnership?

Will you veto?

Will your current partnership contain any hierarchical items like a “veto” where an existing partner can veto a potential external partner either for certain reasons or any reason or a “gender exclusivity” policy (like a, don’t make us say it “one penis policy”).

What will your safer sex practices be?

What will your safer sex practices be and how will they differ across different relationships? When will you use barrier methods? With certain partners? For certain sex acts? The vast majority of people don’t use barrier methods for oral sex, but it’s important to remember that many STIs are highly transmissible via oral sex. What will your testing practices be? Many people choose to get tested every 3 months, with additional testing as needed. What will you get tested for? A standard panel includes chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis, Hep C, HIV and syphilis. Will you get tested for HSV? Will you ask your partners about HPV and whether or not they have been vaccinated for it? AFAB folks may get tested for HPV if they are of a certain age during a GYN exam, but folks AMAB are not routinely tested. How will you manage the risk for pregnancy? Are you open to being sexually active with folks who are willing to use barrier methods but not a secondary form of birth control? Are you comfortable talking to people about their beliefs around pregnancy termination? Have you thought about the appropriateness of going on PrEP? How will you manage sex toys? (generally we don’t recommend sharing sex toys across partnerships even if you wash them between uses).

How will you strike the balance between privacy and healthcare transparency?

To what extent will you discuss your sex life with external partners with your partner? There is a distinction between letting them know a sexual relationship has begun and communicating any health information that informs choices your partner makes, and sharing details about the intimacy itself. Is your external partner comfortable with details being shared, or would they prefer this information remain private? What information is your partner comfortable hearing? Are their different boundaries for sex and non-sex stuff? Is your partner comfortable with you sharing information about them? Information about your own emotional experiences in your partnership? Some people choose to set boundaries around not asking external partners to provide emotional support to a relationship they are not in, and to instead seek this support from friends or family when it is needed.

What happens at home?

Can external partners come over to the shared home? With advanced notice? When your existing partner is home? When they are not? Is it ok to have sex with external partners in the home you share with your current partner? Are there areas of the house where this is and is not appropriate? Is there any etiquette to be observed (like changing the sheets afterwards)?

How to text?  

What kind of boundaries exist around texting other partners when you are with a partner? Would you prefer your partner not text their other partners in front of you? Would you prefer certain activities (like date night) are phone free?

Ending a date

Are there situations in which your partner can be “recalled” from a date they are on? Childcare emergencies? Medical emergencies? Emotional difficulty? Feeling icky about the date your partner is currently on?

When to mention a new partner

At what point do you want to know about external relationships? When there is a new dating match? After a first date that seems to have gone well? Sex? When the relationship is formalized?

Managing conflict

If there is conflict between metamours (people who are dating someone in common but who do not date each other), how will it be managed? What is the responsibility of the “hinge” (meaning the shared) partner? Will the metamours be responsible for managing their own conflict? Will the hinge partner mediate?

Keeping the lines of communication flowing

What is the system for checking in about these relationship agreements, how well they are working, and what updates, if any are called for? How will you keep track of what you are trying and what you are learning?

Ok, we know that was more than 10 things to consider

But we hope this gives you a framework for sifting through what is important to you to consider as to pursue non-monogamy. If this article left you with more questions than answers, reach out! We love helping the non-monogamy-curious folks of Massachusetts explore!