What Monogamous Couples Can Learn from Polyamorous Relationships

Communication

If you’ve ever read a Feeld bio (the dating app much beloved by non-monogamous folks) then you know non-monogamous folks LOVE wordsmithing. 

Whether it’s talking about relationship agreements, the boundaries they have with their other partners, what draws them to non-monogamy, and how they manage its challenges, non-monogamous folks are good at having serious, sometimes fraught conversations. 

You don’t need to want to sleep with multiple people in order to borrow the lesson of improving your communication in your relationship.  Whether it’s trying Ester Perel’s Where Should We Begin – A Game of Stories, a couples therapy workbook like Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight Workbook, or learning more about how attachment theory can help you understand relationships, every relationship could benefit from centering communication as an essential tool. 

The art of the google calendar 

Polyamory jokes abound about partners with a shared google calendar.  But a lot of arguments unrelated to non-monogamy could be solved with more careful management of the google calendar.  How often have you seen people fight about lack of clarity around in-laws visiting, kids sporting events, and whose turn it is to take Baby Jeff to the vet? 

Polyamorists are also great at checking in with their partners (who also need to check in with their partners) before making or changing plans.  Book club got moved from Thursday to Friday? You best believe Jessica is going to text Susan about this ASAP because that impacts her and Tavinder’s D+D plans.

Treating your partner as a fully realized person who also has a busy life (even if they’re hanging out at home on the couch with the cats) is a relationship preserving practice. 

Jealousy is not the enemy

Non-monogamous folks understand that jealousy is just an emotion, it can ebb and flow, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be an indicator that prompts a massive change to how you’re living your life. 

The goal of polyamory is not to live jealousy-free, it’s to not let jealousy run the show. 

Remember that scene from Finding Nemo where the vegetarian sharks insist that “fish are friends, not food!”? Same idea, feelings are friends! 

Differentiation 

When we do relationship therapy, we practice a type of therapy called The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.  The Developmental Model is a type of therapy that explores the different developmental stages that relationships go through, and how folks experience, resolve, or get stuck on certain stage-specific challenges. 

After the initial bonding stage, relationships are faced with the stage of “differentiating”, a stage characterized by appreciating that each member of the relationship is a different person, with different needs and preferences.  Sometimes, this stage feels like a crisis, to go from being in limerence (a type of love characterized by infatuation and enmeshment) to someone wanting a smidge of space every once in a while? Disaster! 

Non-monogamous relationships tend to place a higher value on differentiation, in a way that preserves the relationship.  While an aspect of this may involve having romantic relationships with multiple people, non-monogamous folks are also likely to value time spend in the pursuit of individual hobbies, time with friends, time learning new things, and exploring the world and community. 

Maybe your idea of differentiation doesn’t involve dating someone in addition to your partner, but it’s a great reminder to think about the things in your life that you value, and whether they are also getting the benefit of your attention alongside your relationship. 

Cultivate compersion

Compersion is a neologism that refers to experiencing joy about the joy your partner is experiencing in one of their other relationships.  Think of it like an inverse schadenfreude (joy because someone else is having a bad time). 

While the term originated specifically to talk about their happiness in another romantic relationship, it’s a great reminder to think about being happy that your partner is happy.  Maybe your first inclination is to get the ickwhen your partner wants to host their fantasy football draft at your house, but try slowing down and appreciating that they’re happy, and you don’t have to like fantasy football to like seeing them happy. 

Polyamorists will often refer to compersion as the “holy grail” of non-monogamy, meaning it’s something they are actively searching for, but not obtaining easily.  So don’t be too hard on yourself if it takes practice. 

 Make your boundaries crystal clear

Polyamorous folks are more likely than their monogamous counter-parts to explicitly define the relationship.  This could mean clarifying expectations around how much time partners will spend together, or how much privacy they wish to maintain about their sex lives when it comes to inquisitive friends or family.   

Monogamous folks might be more likely to make assumptions about a commonly held set of boundaries, but much like confusion over Victorian flower guides that had slightly different meanings for different flowers, people might make different assumptions that can lead to massively hurt feelings.  Maybe someone makes the assumption that being in a relationship means spending time with exes one-on-one is no longer appropriate, while someone else thinks this is no big deal. 

Taking the time to clarify exactly what you mean when you say “we’re a monogamous couple” can avoid a lot of future arguments. 

Get explicit (about sex) 

In our practice, we find that non-monogamist patients place a high value on being able to talk about sexual health.  Whether this involves a discussion about turn-ons and turn-offs, or kinks and fetishes, safer sex practices, and getting tested, polyamorous folks see this values-driven practice. 

Non-monogamous folks may be better at these conversations in part because they have more practice having them.  Maybe you don’t intent to have multiple partners, but you can still practice refining these conversations. 

Get off the escalator (if you don't want to be on it)

The “relationship escalator” is a phrased coined by polyamory blogger Amy Gahran that describes expectations around pace and presumed up-escalation of a relationship.  Moving from meeting, to monogamy, then cohabitation, marriage and children. 

The relationship escalator puts a tremendous amount of pressure on people to either advance, or end the relationship. 

Non-monogamous folks have practice allowing relationships to ebb and flow, or get off the escalator entirely.  Sometimes a nesting partner (a partner you live with) becomes someone you don’t live with but keep dating.  Sometimes you have a child with a partner you don’t live with, or raise children with partners you aren’t romantically involved with. 

This “choose your own adventure” approach applies to both non-monogamy and monogamy.  You can decide what’s right for you and your partner, and you can decide that things have changed, it isn’t a criticism of either of you to get off the escalator and build something new. 



Leave the dominant cultural discourse behind

We’re not saying there are “no rules” in polyamory, but more often than not, these rules are carefully chosen based on what works well for the relationship itself, not a culturally proscribed set of standards people are expected to mash themselves into. 

Maybe you’re monogamous, but you don’t want to live with your partner, or you do want to live together, but sleep in separate beds (sleep divorces are becoming more and more common!) The world is your oyster! 

Maybe this article inspired you to give the Scandinavian sleep method a try (one bed, two comforters), or maybe it has you thinking deep questions about your relationship. Whether you're exploring non-monogamy or just want to deepen your relationship as a monogamous couple, our Massachusetts-based sex therapy practice can help. We offer affirming, evidence-based care tailored to your needs, and we’d love to meet you!