How to Overcome First Date Anxiety: Tips from a Sex Therapist

What even is anxiety?

Anxiety is a combination of two things, an overestimation of the severity of a threat, and the underestimation of our ability to cope with a threat.  That is not the same thing as saying NO danger exists in the world of dating, but it is important to recognize that our brain is exaggerating the likelihood of our feared outcome coming true. 

What is your feared outcome? And how likely is it?

To paraphrase a famous Margaret Atwood quote, Men are afraid that women will laugh at them, women are afraid that men will kill them. This gruesome reality is probably part of what makes you anxious and we’re not going to blow a cloud of toxic positivity smoke at you and try to tell you that this reality doesn’t exist. 

But we are curious, what else are you worried about? Is it tripping on the sidewalk in your new heels because you didn’t break them in? Pooping your pants because IBS + first date jitters + a spicy margarita + a jumpsuit you need to be a contortionist to unzip is not a great combination?

Take a minute to evaluate the likelihood of your feared outcome.  Maybe the answer is something as simple a wearing platform wedges instead of stilettos, or ordering a mocktail, wearing a black maxi dress and carrying a spare pair of underwear in your purse.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

We once saw an Instagram post lamenting the reality of being attracted to your only natural predator, and it hit us like a ton of fucking bricks.  Sometimes it can be really hard to cultivate the dialectic of being aware of the potential danger of dating AND cultivating a sense of romantic optimism.

Whenever possible, do both.  Share your location with multiple friends AND daydream about whether you would look better in a mermaid silhouette or suite with a crop top on your wedding day. Be open to meeting new people AND take that self-defense class, carry pepper spray in your purse, and give yourself permission to bail the first time someone says something that gives you the “ick” without worrying that it makes you look “rude” or “crazy”.  Be furious that sometimes this still isn’t enough, and people, predominantly women, women of color, and queer folx, are still scared, hurt and sometimes killed.

Surf the wave

High anxiety, especially the kind associated with panic attacks tends to peak in intensity and then dissipate after about 10 minutes.  But when we describe our dating anxiety, we tend to insist the entire dating experience is dreadful from start to finish.  Its probably more realistic to say that most parts are uneventful, a few parts are pretty good, and one or two moments are intensely anxious. Try to identify the specific moment that causes you the most anxiety and brainstorm ways to mitigate your specific pain point.

For example, we once worked with a patient who realized her anxiety centered around the worry that she wouldn’t recognize her date and that the resulting social interaction of walking around a coffee shop looking for them would be too awkward for her to handle.  So she started showing up early, and sending a text with very specific directions of where she was sitting and what she was wearing, which saved herself and her date from this jittery moment.  She also started tracking her anxiety at various moments across different dates and noticed that it spiked sharply at the beginning, and then almost completely dissipated.  She had been describing herself as a “very anxious” dater, when her anxiety only represented a fraction of her dating experience.

Opportunity to practice saying “no” when stakes are lower.

We work with a lot of patients who are recovering perfectionists and people pleasers. They are pouring their hearts and souls into the gloriously painful work of setting boundaries, something that is very hard to do in established relationships.

A wonderful thing about a first date is that it can be an opportunity to practice saying “no” and setting boundaries when the stakes are lower. You don’t know this person, do you really care if they like you? (Yes, we know you care, you care about everything, but you’re working on caring less, right?)

So maybe your main objective is going on a first date and being open to making a genuine connection with another person, but what if you also took the opportunity to try a low-stakes “no”? Try saying: “I’d actually prefer to sit at a table” when they suggest sitting in the bar or telling your server that they did in fact get your order wrong. If you decide not to see them again and you think it’s reasonably safe to do so, consider sending that text that says: “thank you for dinner Tuesday night, you were right, the wine selection was amazing! I wanted to be up front and say that I don’t see this going any further, I felt like the way you talked about your ex was a little mean spirited and if that’s the way you talk about women on a first date then I don’t think we’re going to be a good match.”

Setting and holding boundaries on first dates will help you work up to adjusting the boundaries you have been holding in existing and meaningful relationships.  It gives you a chance to workshop what works and doesn’t work, and to recognize that the sky will not in fact fall down if you say “no” or “I don’t like that”.

Can the before or the after be fun?

Maybe you don’t like dates, and that’s ok, being in a partnership with someone, and going on casual first dates are very different things.  While you wait for one to turn into the other, can you make the process of dating fun, even if the date itself isn’t?

Could you invite friends to come over and hang out while you get ready? Could you plan an extra luxurious bath or topping laden pizza when you get home?

Adjust expectations

We have a patient who says that any date where she A.) doesn’t get murdered and B.) learns one new thing is classified as a good date. In her case, her curiosity is a stronger motivator than her anxiety. This is a vastly different definition of success than “I’m going to meet the love of my life today”.  But it means she is genuinely delighted to learn that waffle towels really do dry faster, or that she doesn't need to call a plumber to install a bidet, she could definitely do it herself. 

Feel free to borrow hers, or find your own definition of success like “my winged eyeliner matched on both sides today and I didn’t cry it off” or “I found a great new restaurant I’m going to take my friends” or “I confirmed pickeball is a sport I would never willingly play again”.

Pay attention to how your anxiety clouds your interpretation of a date

As much as we're encouraging you to adjust your expectations for the sake of mitigating your anxiety, it’s also important to notice how anxiety may be warping your expectations. 

For example, if you’re feeling proud of yourself for combatting your anxiety and going on the date anyway, is this giving you the mistaken impression that you really like the person, when you just like yourself? 

Is it possible that you’re considering going on a second date because a second date is less anxiety-provoking than a first date, and you really don’t want to have to go on a first date again? Do you really want to feel like you’re “winning” dating, by locking someone down? Notice if your motivations for continuing a connection are less about the specific person and more about the pressure you feel to advance the relationship.

Find a system for evaluating your dates

Logan Ury a behavioral scientist and Director of Relationships at Hinge developed something she called the Post Date 8 to help people evaluate first dates, questions include: 1.) What side of me did they bring out? 2.) How did my body feel during the date? 3.) Do I feel more energized or de-energized, than I did before the date? 4.) Is there something about them I’m curious about? 5.) Did they make me laugh? 6.) Did I feel heard? 7.) Did I feel attractive in their presence? 8.) Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in-between?

To wrap it all up

It is more than ok to get anxious at the thought of going on a first date, and we wouldn’t blame you if you decided to have a good hurkle-durkle instead.  If you do decide to venture out, we hope these strategies help you negotiate your anxiety so you can focus on deciding whether or not the person lucky enough to be sitting across from you is worth your time.  And if you’re looking for someone to spill your dating tea to, and get professional strategies for managing anxiety, reach out, we’d love to help!