10 Things We Loved About Tongue Tied

Up first is Tongue Tied:  Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink and Relationships by Stella Harris (Published by Cleis Press September 11th 2018,  306 pages). 

Stella Harris is an intimacy educator who has a vision of a “world where everyone has access to accurate and shame-free information about bodies, relationships, and pleasure from day one.”  Tongue Tied “gives readers straightforward advice on how to conquer their fears, identified their needs, and feel positively empowered” and reminds us that “you can’t get what you want unless you ask for it” 

Here are our 10 favorite things from Tongue Tied 

Talk early and often 

We’ve been conditioned to see “asking” or “talking” about intimacy as something that ruins the moment.  Too often, we’re basing our decisions on the absence of a “no” rather than the presence of an enthusiastic “yes”.  And when we want to communicate, to ask for something different, we’ve been quiet for so long, that it can feel impossible to bridge this gap.  Harris advocates for communicating about small, relatively low stakes things from the very first date, to build a strong foundation for communication.  Saying: “do you prefer a handshake, a hug, or a wave when meeting new people?” transitions more naturally to “I would really like to kiss you right now, would that be alright?” which can build to “tell me how you’d like me to touch you right now”.   

Be explicit about your boundaries and expectations 

Language is a beautifully imprecise communication tool.  Things that we think have a universally understood definition rarely do.  Harris uses the example of what constitutes infidelity in a monogamous relationship to highlight that people often have strong, but unarticulated beliefs on these topics that can vary widely from those of their partners.  She encourages people to “define their terms” in order to reduce the risk of hurt feelings later on and even includes a handy list of things to talk about with new partners.   

Go into more detail with your safer sex talk 

Speaking of operational definitions, safer sex practices is another place rife with problematic assumptions.  Lots of people have a conversation about their sexual history, testing practices, and safer sex practices, but Harris points out a lack of precision leads people to take on more risk than they think they are.  For example, some people may say they “always” use condoms, when they mean they use condoms when they have penetrative sex, but not oral sex.  Chapter 8 has examples of specific questions to ask. 

Don’t fake your orgasms 

Faking conditions our partners to repeat whatever they are doing when give our best Meg Ryan impression.  If this isn’t something we actually like, we’re going to be stuck with it forever.  She suggests using positive language to describe what we like: “I really like it when you touch me like this” and if we need to ask our partners to change up their approach, we can offer: “I think it would feel really good if you…”  In her chapter on difficult conversations, she writes about what to do if you’ve been lying to your partner about the big O. 

See your partner’s “no” as a gift 

Harris encourages us to reframe hearing “no” as a good thing.  No means our partner trusts us enough to say “no” when they mean “no”, which means we can trust that their “yes” means “yes”.  She even goes so far as to say it’s a yellow flag if someone perpetually says “whatever you want.” 

Have a state of the relationship talk 

A state of the relationship talk is a reoccurring talk about the health of your relationship.  It might include things like: needs and definitions around sex, household logistics, vacation planning, major life changes, schedules for the week ahead, planning date nights, and debriefing after an argument. Harris recommends scheduling them, and taking notes.  A written record helps make sure everyone is on the same page about what was discussed, and can help you look back at your progress as a couple. 

Its ok to try things 

Harris uses the metaphor of different flavors of ice cream to describe the notion that it’s ok to try something you aren’t sure you’re going to like.  Maybe chocolate is your go to flavor, but you’re curious about how “bone marrow” tastes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re declaring a preference or allegiance to this flavor.  Same with sex! You can try something without it saying anything profound about your sexual orientation, gender identity, or preferences. 

Expand your definition of intimacy 

We’ve been conditioned to concentrate our definition of intimacy on penetrative sex that ends in orgasm.  So if someone says “do you want to have sex?” and we don’t want to do this, we might get in the habit of saying “no”.  A broader definition of intimacy, with more options leaves more room for both people to find something on the menu that they do want.   

Harris also advocates de-centering an orgasm as the most important goal of sex, and instead focusing on all the different ways that bodies can experience pleasure. Try asking your partner if they want to receive oral sex, make out while the office is on in the background, or get a scalp massage while taking a bath.  Maybe this leads to more, maybe it’s a chance to connect to your partner without feeling pressure to perform a certain way.   

It’s hard to tell your partner what you want if you don’t know, and sometimes it can be hard to figure it out

Harris emphasizes the message “you can’t get what you want unless you ask for it,” while also acknowledging that sometimes, we might not know what we want, even if our partner solicits this feedback.  She includes exercises like “pulling fantasies out of media” or “exploring sensations” and has recommendations about how to screen porn and erotica for ideas, and how to make a “yes, no, maybe later” list.   

In conclusion, we love Tongue Tied as a beginner friendly, pleasure-positive, stigma-busting conversation starter.  The chapters are short and sweet, and thought provoking enough to spark real conversations with loved ones.  If you’re interested in more books like it, check out our resources page and if you want to talk with a therapist near you about healthy communication, reach out!