How Do I Get Over My Ex?

Temporarily indulge in your grief

Breakups are sad, regardless of the “rightness” of the decision to end the relationship or who broke up with who. Give yourself permission to feel sad, and really lean into the sadness for a set period of time (we like 3 full calendar days). Bed rot, order takeout, take two baths a day, look at photos from your relationship while listening to Nothing Compares 2 U on repeat, do whatever you feel inspired to do (within reason, let’s keep you out of debt, out of jail and out of the hospital if possible).

Break the habit

Do you miss your person with a devastating degree that probably means you should get back together or is your brain just pattern oriented and missing the routine you established? Give yourself a chance to figure out how much you miss them if you aren’t addicted to the little dopamine hits of seeing them all the time. We recommend going 90 days absolutely no contact and then re-evaluating. No phone calls, no texts, mute them on social media and avoid in-person events where you’re likely to run into them. Why 90? This is about how long it takes to break a habit or start a new one. 

Identify and purge triggers

We’re big believers in temporarily removing any signs of your person from your home/car/work, not necessarily forever, but at least for 90 days. More obvious examples might include photos of the two of you together, or gifts they gave you, but notice what other objects in your environment trigger especially strong memories.

Maybe your phone case reminds you of how excited you used to get when they texted you, or your morning coffee mug reminds you of how they used to bring you coffee in bed on the days they got up before you. Get a new phone case and switch to a different mug, make whatever little tweaks and changes to your environment you can.

Adjust your schedule

Maybe every Friday night was doordash night, and you find yourself missing your person right around the time you get hangry on Friday afternoon or waking up to a “good morning” text made you feel like your day was set up for success. Try scheduling new activities during these times, or asking loved ones to keep you company. Maybe you really do love starting the weekend with takeout and this is a ritual you want to continue with friends, and maybe you always hated getting up early on the weekends and you’re looking forward to sleeping in. 

Track a new special interest

Passing the time will move faster if you have something else to track. Maybe you’re finally going to read Emily Wilson’s translation of the Odyssey, or finish the “couch to 5k” running program.  We love using a habit tracker to create a physical representation of this progress, and there’s some good data to support the notion that tracking you progress will make you more likely to stick to it! It can be tempting to see the post-breakup window as a “waste” and something to just “get through”, but having an accomplishment to celebrate can help us see the value in slowing down and taking this time for ourselves.

Set boundaries

We love the notion of staying friends with exes, but your friendship is a precious thing, not a consolation prize for someone deciding they no longer want to be with you romantically. Without clear boundaries, you might find yourself giving the same degree of time, emotional investment and affection away, as you did when you were in a relationship. We recommend making a plan with your ex to take an intentional break from communication of any kind. At the end of this window, you can check in with yourself to see if you want to pursue a friendship with this person. It’s also helpful information to have, if you ask for space, and they trespass on this boundary, is that the kind of friend you want?

Don’t hop back on the apps

How many times have you gotten excited about a date only to realize they were hung up on their ex and not as emotionally available as they claimed? Send out the good dating karma you deserve to receive, and don’t start dating again until you’re ready to connect with new people.

If something more casual floats your boat, go for it, so long as you’re honest about your intentions! And remember, the end of a relationship is a great time to get STI tested but be mindful of testing windows (some STIs will take 12 weeks to show results, another reason we love a 90 day refresh).

Treat yourself 

Dating is expensive! Grief math is thinking of all the money you’re going to save not going out to eat or buying presents for your future mother-in-law, and investing that money in yourself. Whether that’s maxing out your Roth IRA, paying down more of your debt, or trying that new laser facial, treat yourself and remember the most special and longest lasting relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Reflect on what you loved and will miss

While the good memories are still close to your heart, write some of them down. What will you honestly miss about the relationship? Write a nice long list (bonus points if you really feel your feelings and cry and snot a little bit) and tuck it away for a time when you’re ready to reminisce.

On a separate occasion, unless you want to do the emotional equivalent of Barbenheimer, make a list of everything that wasn’t a perfect fit about the relationship. Every time your intuition whispered to you “maybe this isn’t my person”. If that part of you feels hard to access right now, that’s ok, save it for another time, or ask your loved ones. Keep this list close, and read it whenever you’re tempted to reach out during your no contact window. Do you really want to cross your emotional picket line for someone who thought it was endearing to correct the spelling in your text messages?

Aim for abundance

Our staff are Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, a kind of therapy where we’re trained to identify distortions in our thoughts that contribute to our mood and mental health. It’s normal to feel like a breakup is the end of the world, and we don’t want to minimize this! There can be devastating, real consequences to ending a relationship and, on the other hand, our brains are most likely exaggerating the severity of this, and minimizing our ability to cope. Once you’ve given yourself permission to wail and gnash your teeth a bit, try to remember that not only are you worthy of love, but when you’re ready, you’re capable of going out there and getting it.

In conclusion, breakups are emotionally devastating, and its not unreasonable to need professional help. If you’ve gone through a breakup recently and you need some support while you grieve, reach out, the Pomegranate Institute would love to support you.