Break Up with Your Therapist (But Not 'Cause You're Bored)

Let's start by talking about some of the reasons you might be ready to stop seeing your therapist

Expense

Therapy can be expensive.  You may be paying out of pocket for services, or have heath insurance plans with high deductibles that require you to pay the entirety of the session fee for months at a time.  Ending therapy for financial reasons isn’t the same thing as saying therapy isn’t worth the money, you may just not have it in your budget. 

Scheduling

Maybe you really tried to make that Wednesday 3 PM time slot work, and it just doesn’t. Maybe getting to the appointment leaves you cranky and frazzled, and you need a therapy session to unpack how stressful getting to your therapy session is. 

Reaching a plateau

You may have accomplished what you initially set out to accomplish in therapy, and while you still enjoy the process, it may feel like you’re spinning your wheels a bit.  Maybe this is because the work that needs to be done next is work you feel ready to do independently, or maybe you need to consult with someone who has a different training and expertise.

Misaligned values

You might have learned something new about your therapist mid-way, or you might have hoped that something wouldn’t matter much and it turns out it does.  It’s ok to say you want to see a therapist that shares certain values, and only you can decide how much emphasis to place on shared values and experiences. 

Ethical violations

Therapists are not exempt from making mistakes or bad decisions. Sometimes these ruptures offer an opportunity for repair and meaningful amends that can strengthen the relationship, and sometimes they’re just plain unacceptable.   

Vibes

Something is off, on paper, everything lines up, your therapist is qualified to address the things you want to work on, they are a reasonably pleasant person, and they ask the right questions, but something still doesn’t feel right. If you can feel this energy, chances are, your therapist can too.  While it may be hard to explain, vibes are a perfectly good reason to move on and look for a different provider. 

Ok, I want to stop seeing my therapist, how do I do it? 

Sitting with it

First, let's check, are you sure? Is this a decision that just occurred to you? Have you been feeling this way for a while? Across different feeling states?  Do you feel ready to manage your intrapsychic life on your own, or start the process of finding a new therapist?  Have you talked about this decision with people you trust? If you're saying "yes" a lot, it might be time to move on.

To ghost or not to ghost?

Should you tell your therapist you don’t want to see them anymore? Should you cancel all of your appointments and not schedule new ones? Most therapists would prefer to hear from their patients that they don’t want to see us anymore, but we get it, this is awkward! On the other hand, if you try to ghost, your therapist will probably contact you several times in a variety of ways, and depending on the nature of the work you have been doing together, they may even assume something terrible has happened. Depending on what kind of agreement you and your therapist made at the start of treatment, they may even contact your emergency contact.  A polite but firm: “I really respect the work that we have done together, but I have thought about this a lot and decided I want to stop seeing you.” may make you want to hide under the covers, but it will likely save you a lot of back and forth. 

To have a final session or not?  

Your therapist may suggest having a final “termination session” to discuss the end of your treatment.  This might involve looking back at the progress you’ve made, and making a game plan for what to do if you want to reach out in the future. For some, this can feel celebratory or cathartic, and for others, it can feel unnecessary and a little awkward.  The choice is yours.  Many therapists will suggest it, but you are allowed to say no! 

Giving feedback.   

Asking for feedback is an important part of the therapeutic relationship, hopefully it’s something your therapist has done regularly throughout treatment.  The end of treatment can be a powerful place to offer feedback about what worked well and not well about therapy. Feedback might be about the therapy itself (“you said the phrase, ‘how does it feel, sharing this information with me now?’ way too many times, I experienced it as alienating rather than engaging”), or about the treatment environment (“I know you asked if it was ok to have your dog in session with us, but the dog was already in the room when you asked, and it caught me off guard and I felt pressure to say yes”). 

Should you request your records?   

There are laws that protect your right to access your medical record.  There may be some circumstances where a therapist can redact or restrict certain information, and they can charge a nominal fee for the printing of said record. You may decide this information helps you process the work you did, or it may feel like a bit too much of a peak behind the curtain.  Other therapists practice something called “concurrent documentation” where they collaborate on progress notes with their patients during sessions or send them to the patient to review every week. Having these records may also help form a bridge between this treatment episode and the start of therapy with a new provider. 

How to maintain continuity 

If you choose to re-enter treatment in the future, you may find it helpful to have your former therapist be in contact with your new therapist. You will need to give formal written permission to do so, and give feedback about the parameters you are comfortable with.  For example, do you want your former therapist to send your treatment records? Have a 20 minute conversation about the general nature of the work you did? Most therapists, Pomegranate Institute staff included, are delighted to have the opportunity to talk to our colleagues, and help our former patients get settled in treatment. You should clarify whether there will be a cost from either therapist associated with this conversation.  Some therapists include it in their session fees, others will charge a per minute rate for the call. 

Contacting licensing board 

Your therapist may have done something so egregious that you want to file a complaint with their licensing board.  This will open a formal investigation into their behavior and may result in a suspension or termination of their license.  There are different licensing boards depending on what type of therapist you are seeing.  The letters at the end of their name will tell you what kind of therapist and what board to contact.  Each board has a page on the Mass.gov website, and complaints can be filed electronically. 

When you're ready

If this post made you realize you're ready to graduate from therapy, congratulations!  Just know that it's normal to ebb and flow in and out of therapy.  You may want to seek treatment again in the future, it doesn't mean you failed! And if you're a Massachusetts resident looking for a new therapist, reach out, we'd love to meet you!