How the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Wreck Relationships—and How to Stop Them

In our couples therapy practice, we help patients all over the state of Massachusetts learn to recognize the four horsemen during arguments and figure out new ways of communicating. 

No one argues perfectly, and spotting these patterns in your own relationship doesn’t mean you’re doomed—it just means there’s room to grow. Let’s take a closer look at each of the four horsemen and what you can do instead.

Criticism: 

Amira and Seth are arguing about a local polyam meet-up they recently attended.  Amira thinks that Seth drinks too much, and that his behavior impacts how people in the community will see them. 

A complaint about Seth’s drinking might look like: 

“Seth, I am genuinely concerned about your drinking, it seems like every time we go out, you say you’re only going to have 1-2 drinks, and it always turns into 6 or 7.  I’m worried there is something going on here”

Criticism, where the focus is on Seth as a person, rather than his behavior, might look like: 

“Seth, you always do this to me! Every time we go out, you get falling down drunk, and I have to take care of you, it’s so embarrassing, it’s like you’re purposely trying to make sure we have a bad time every time we leave the house.” 

Contempt: 

Contempt shows up when you communicate disgust about your partner, and a sense of superiority over them. 

Paul and Anders are arguing about Anders’s partner Lesley.  Paul feels like Lesley is trying to “lasso” Anders away from Paul. 

“Anders, you’re so stupid if you can’t see what Lesley is doing. I used to think it was so cute that you always saw the best in people, but now I actually think it’s kind of delusional.  I’m just so sick of having to bring these things to your attention because you’re too clueless to notice!” 

Defensiveness: 

It’s understandable to want to defend yourself during an argument, and sharing your perspective in order to help your partner understand you better can be a meaningful part of repair (which we’ll talk about later on). But when it comes to impending apocalypse, defensiveness refers to trying to shift the blame off of yourself and onto your partner, which only escalates the conflict further. 

Claire and Madison are arguing about whether or not to attend a play party.  Initially they RSVP’d “yes” and they have a relationship agreement to only attend parties together, but now Madison is saying they have a headache and don’t want to go: 

Claire: “Babe, why is it every time a play party rolls around you mysteriously come down with a headache? It feels like you don’t want to go, and if you don’t want to go, just say that!” 

Madison: “I don’t understand why you’re on my case about this right now! What about last week when you were supposed to do the grocery shopping and you asked me to do it because you weren’t feeling well?  I didn’t give you a hard time about it then, but I cancel one party and suddenly I’m the worst?” 

Stonewalling: 

Stonewalling is when you stop actively listening, mentally check out of the conversation and refuse to re-engage. 

Steven and Abrose are arguing about an invitation Steven received to a have coffee with his ex.  Steven wants to go and Ambrose is uncomfortable with him going.  Efforts to talk it out have failed, and Steven is shutting down. 

Ambrose: “Steven! Can you get off your phone for 5 minutes so we can finish this conversation? I don’t think it’s ok for you to get coffee with your ex alone.” 

Steven: *rolls his eyes, scrolls on his phone and refuses to talk*

Ambrose: Oh, real mature! So, you’re not even going to talk to me? You get to just decide to be done with the conversation? 

What does it mean if the Four Horsemen show up in your arguments? 

Think of any one of the Four Horsemen as a signal flare that it’s time to check in and pay attention to the health of your relationship. 

The Gottmans found in their research that the presence of the Four Horsemen are highly suggestive if not predictive of the impending end of the relationship. 

This makes sense, if you are actively disgusted by your partner (contempt) and you don’t see the point in engaging in conversation with them (stonewalling) it’s probably a sign you don’t actually want to be with them anymore. 

While the Four Horsemen can indicate trouble ahead, the good news is that they’re learned behaviors—and that means they can be unlearned. With practice, self-awareness, and support, couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships.

How couples therapy can help you break the cycle of fighting with the Four Horsemen

John Gottman outlined the research from his Love Lab in the book The Seven Principles for Making A Marriage Work.  The book itself is absolutely worth a read, in fact, a subsequent study found that couples who read the book and completed the workbook together significantly improved the quality of their relationship.

We’re going to summarize a few of our favorite findings.

Nurture your fondness and admiration 

Gottman explains that the positive feelings we have about our partners can help override or mitigate a lot of hurt feelings that happen during arguments, but in order for this to be an effective strategy, we have to strengthen these positive feelings. 

Think of your partner as a treasured friend, not just your romantic partner.  Are you watering the garden of your friendship? One way to do this is to scan for qualities and actions that you appreciate. This could take the form of a gratitude list, sticky notes left on the fridge, or sappy texts sent in the middle of the work day. 

In our contempt example above, Paul could take a deep breath and remember how Anders’s romantic optimism is actually one of the things he loves best about his partner: 

Paul: “Anders I genuinely love that you can see the best in anyone, in the middle of such a hard world, your softness is a bright spot, but I feel very protective over you, because I don’t want people to take advantage of that goodness, and I don’t want you to ever lose that optimism.” 

Turn towards your partner 

Gottman explains that we make “bids” for attention, affection, humor or support, and our partner can either turn towards, or away from these bids.  Repeatedly turning towards your partners bids can strengthen the relationship. 

In one study, they observed newly married couples and then followed up with them again in 6 years.  The couples that were still married “turned towards” their partner’s bids 86% of the time, whereas those who later divorced only turned towards the bids 33% of the time. 

During an argument, our bids can get covered up by anger and other negative emotions, so try to sift for the “bid” that is present behind the difficult emotion. 

Compromise 

Gottman clarifies that compromise is not the same thing as agreeing with your partner. Compromise starts by sincerely considering your partner’s position and making sure you understand it. 

Try listening to your partner talk for 3-5 minutes without interrupting them or butting in to defend your perspective, or litigating why you’re actually right.  Just listen, and then summarize what you heard, and give your partner the opportunity to offer clarity, and then look for a bid that you can respond to, or a piece of common ground. 

Let’s go back to Madison and Claire, Madison could have heard the “bid” behind Claire’s frustration as a genuine desire to spend time together, sharing novel experiences.  Instead of getting defensive in an effort to “prove” that Claire also cancels things at the last minute, Madison could have offered another way to connect: 

Madison: “I’m hearing that spending time together doing something fun and new is really important to you, is it ok if we skip the play party tonight, but make a plan to go to that new restaurant we’ve been meaning to try this weekend?” 

Soften your start up: 

A harsh or fast start up is often a recipe for criticism. Try slowing down and incorporating techniques like: 

• Naming how you share responsibility for a shared problem
• Naming how you feel
• Focusing on a specific instance of behavior (even if you think there is a pattern) and focus on behavior rather than who someone is
• End with articulating what you need in positive terms (not negative ones)

In our example of Amira and Seth, and gentle start up could look like: 

Amira: Can we talk about how to make polyam meet-ups go well for both of us? I recognize that I get anxious in group settings and I really want things to go well, and my anxiety probably makes me a little more likely to focus negatively on your behavior.  I’m worried when you drink more than a few drinks, people will lose sight of how wonderful you are, and focus instead on how drunk you are, do you think it would be possible to set a drink limit that we both agree to stick to when we’re in a group setting?

Soothe yourself and soothe each other 

Fights can be really emotionally dysregulating to everyone involved, and it can be hard to “fight fair” once everyone is outside of their window of tolerance. 

Try taking a break to self soothe and making a specific plan for when and how to come back to the conversation. 

Regulation could look like: 

• Pausing the fight til after dinner
• Going for a twenty minute walk
• Taking a warm shower and putting fuzzy pjs on
• Doing a meditation exercise together
• Snuggling for 20 minutes 
• 
  

Steven and Ambrose could have tried co-regulation when Steven started to shut down, as stonewalling is often an indicator that someone is outside of their window of tolerance.  Ambrose could have suggested switching gears rather than continuing to argue with Steven:

Ambrose: Hey, I’m picking up that you’re really checked out of this fight.  Would it help if we took a break for thirty minutes and then tried to continue this conversation another time? We could watch a show, or go for a drive and just chill for a bit? 

Want to learn more about the Seven Principles? Want to see how they can be applied to Queer relationships, kink-forward relationships and non-monogamous relationships? If you’re in Massachusetts and you want to talk to a sex and couples therapist reach out!