Why You Should See a Kink-Aware Therapist--- Even if You’re Vanilla

What is Kink and Why Does it Matter for Therapy?

Merriam-Webster defines kink as “unconventional sexual taste or behavior.” Kink is an umbrella term that covers a diverse range of practices and identities, including but not limited to BDSM (short for Bondage, Discipline and/or Dominance, Sadism and/or Submission, and Masochism), consensual non-monogamy, and polyamory.

People who are interested or involved in activities considered kinky run the risk of receiving therapy or counseling that is at best uninformed, and at worst, stigmatizing and harmful.

Recognizing the increasing need for competent, compassionate, and inclusive care for people of diverse sexualities and gender identities, the Kink Clinical Practice Guidelines Project provides a working set of best practices for kink-affirming therapy.

The Kink Clinical Practice Guidelines Project identifies three levels of kink-affirmative therapy:

• Kink-friendly: a kink-friendly therapist has minimal awareness but an openness to not pathologizing kink.
• Kink-aware: a kink-aware therapist has a specific grasp and knowledge of kink-relevant issues and has worked with kink-identified clients.
• Kink-knowledgeable: kink-knowledgeable therapists most have the most knowledge about kink-relevant issues and are the most affirming of kink-identified clients.

Ok, But I’m Not Kinky. Why Should I Care?

Seeing a kink-aware therapist has several advantages, no matter which issues you’re working through or where you’re at in your mental health journey.

Kink-Affirming Therapists are Focused on Boundaries and Consent

All kinds of sex should involve a discussion of boundaries and consent.

However, kinky sex involves a wider menu of possibilities. As such, kinky sex partners need to openly communicate to clarify shared interests and establish boundaries (being into kink doesn’t mean you’re into all kinks), and continually check in with one another about consent as participants’ mental and physical states evolve.

Similarly, all therapists--in theory—are adept at respecting boundaries and establishing consent.

However, there’s a spectrum, and different degrees to which mental health professionals center these issues as a focus of their practice.

A kink-aware therapist is more likely to ask if you’re comfortable talking about a certain topic in session. For example, you may have disclosed a history of sexual trauma, but a kink-aware therapist won’t presume that you want to talk about it during a particular session.

A kink-aware therapist is more likely to say, “Is there anything you would like to tell me about how you grew up?” as opposed to, “Tell me about your childhood.”

All therapists are trained to consider the ways in which their relative position of authority has an impact on the clinical relationship, but a kink-aware therapist may have more tools in their toolbox for navigating these themes with their patients.

A kink-aware therapist might be a particularly good fit for someone who has felt hurt or betrayed by authority figures in the past.

Kink-Affirming Therapists are Non-Judgmental

A kink-aware therapist understands that there are more kinks out there than flavors of ice cream. They appreciate and celebrate this range of human expression and aren’t shocked by it.

This goes beyond sexual preferences.  

A kink-aware therapist understands that human behavior is a vast landscape. They’re unlikely to shame or blame you for having what may seem like a strange or unusual reason for seeking services, or what appears to be an outsized response to stress in your life.

Knowing that your therapist is unlikely to bat an eye (which is not the same as not caring) may help you feel more comfortable bringing up the things you need to talk about.

A Kink-Affirming Therapist Won’t Pathologize You

Defusion, a concept from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, refers to the idea that, while something might be an important part of your life, it’s not the sum total of your life and doesn’t define who you are.

If you’re into kink, a non-kink aware therapist might focus on that as the root of all your problems. On the other hand, a kink-aware therapist will likely just see it as one part of your life that’s of equal importance to everything else.

Kink-Affirming Therapists Understand the Importance of Aftercare

Aftercare refers to the practice of care-taking that occurs after a sexual experience. It's a time to check in, reframe mindset, and help avoid the dom-sub drop (intense and potentially negative physical and mental feelings that sometimes come up after a BDSM scene).

Sexual aftercare might include talking about the sex that was just had, cuddling, showering, or sharing a meal.

In the context of therapy, aftercare awareness means your therapist is more likely to be better at time management, having intentional warm-ups and cool-downs to buffer the intensity of the session. 

So, whether or not you’re into kinky sex, your kink-aware therapist isn’t going to interrupt you mid- crying jag with snot running down your face by suddenly chirping "I'm so sorry but we're out of time for today, see you next week!" 

Providing Kink-Affirming Therapy means a Commitment to Continuing Education

Since kink isn’t a topic that’s covered in most grad programs, if a therapist is specializing in it, it means they’re pursuing advanced training. This most likely indicates that they value ongoing learning and prioritize staying on top of new developments in the constantly evolving field of mental health care.

How to Find Kink-Affirming Care

Therapists can submit listings to the Kink Aware Professionals Directory identifying themselves as kink-friendly, kink-aware, or kink-knowledgeable.

Many therapists may also refer to themselves as kink-aware, kink-affirming, or kink-friendly in their bios on Therapy Den and Psychology Today.

You may come across therapists who describe themselves as “pleasure positive” or “sex positive,’ but keep in mind there’s no vetting process for those designations.

Patients based in Massachusetts seeking a kink-aware therapist can request a free consultation here!