A Sex Therapist's Beginner-Friendly Guide to Anal Sex

According to Data published by the CDC based on the National Survey of Family Growth, 35.9% of women and 42.3% of men had ever had anal sex. This particular survey found that queer women were more likely to have had anal sex than heterosexual women, whereas heterosexual men were more likely than queer men to have had anal sex. Other studies have found completely different rates of anal sex between heterosexual and queer men, which probably speaks to the difficulty to surveying strangers about their sex lives.

The takeaway is that anal sex is definitely happening, and probably more often than people talk about. Lack of open communication creates stigma which makes it harder to access comprehensive sexual health education and pursue pleasure without shame.

So let’s do a deep dive on anal sex, why folks might like it, and what you can do to set yourself up for success if you decide you want to try it.

Why do people like anal sex?

Notice we said “people”, and we said it on purpose, anal sex is something all bodies, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation might enjoy. You might enjoy it because it’s an opportunity try something new with your partner and shared novel experiences are important to your relationship, or because you have a prostate and prostate stimulation activates the nerves attached to your prostate (your prostatic plexus) which feels good, or because anal sex stimulates the nerves within your vaginal wall, which also feels good. Bottom line, regardless of the constellation of parts you personally possess, you have nerve endings in that part of your body that facilitate the experience of pleasure.

So you want to try it, what next?

Good anal comes down to three things: consent, communication, and preparation. Let’s break them down.

Consent

Consent is a necessary part of all sex, and consent should be an on-going conversation, regardless of the duration of your relationship with the person you’re planning on having sex with.

There are lots of pop culture moments that make a punchline out of surprise anal sex, and while we admit to giggling at our fair share of them, it’s important to remember that this is in fact a consent violation. You shouldn’t be trying new things in bed without talking to your partner first. Consent needs to be specific to the sex you’re having this particular time. Exchanging racy and enthusiastic texts about their willingness to give anal a try, is not the same thing as someone consenting to receive anal sex today, from you.  

When you talk about anal sex, be specific, are you talking about penetrating someone with fingers? Tongues? Toys? A strap-on of a particular size? A penis using a barrier method? And don’t assume it’s clear that both of you are on the same page about who is penetrating who, you both have the capacity to give and receive, so make this explicit.

Communication

Take a moment to think about your own motivation for wanting to try anal sex. Is your interest genuinely free from pressure or coercion? Is there a part of you that is worried the other person is going to be mad at you, disappointed, cheat, or end the relationship if you say “no”? If so, this muddles consent. True consent is free from coercion or pressure. If you’re the person pitching anal sex to your partner, are you hosting the conversation in such a way that supports them saying “no”? You don’t want to have to worry that someone said “yes” to appease you when they really wanted to say “no” but didn’t feel comfortable speaking up. You want to be able to trust that their “yes” is an enthusiastic yes, so if it’s not a “hell yes!” It’s really a “no” or a “not right now”. 

Think about the sex you’ve had with this particular person so far. Have you felt comfortable speaking up? If you wanted to try something new, or make an adjustment, how was that feedback received? If something felt physically uncomfortable, did you say something? Or did you wait for the sex to be over? You are much more likely to have good sex of any kind with someone you’re comfortable talking to about the sex you’re having, but especially when it comes to trying something new. If you can’t say “yes” to these questions with confidence, maybe there’s some work to do on your communication before trying anal.

And let’s be honest, sometimes anal gets messy, whether that’s a literal mess, or just sitting with the vulnerability of negotiating desire and new experiences, you want to do this with someone who can do this with you. If you quite literally shit the bed in front of them, how will you feel? Are they someone who will laugh it off, help you clean up, and give you a forehead kiss, or will they be a jerk about it?

Manage your Expectations

Remember the first time you tried any kind of new sex act, did it go super smoothly? A slightly rocky start doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy that particular sex act, it might mean you need more communication, fine tuning, and practice. You are absolutely allowed to say “well, we tried it, that was not for me!” But we would encourage leaving space for the idea that most things in sex get better with a little practice.

And we’ve said this before, but we’ll say it ‘til we’re blue in the face, you’re allowed to try stuff without having to declare a like, love, or allegiance to it. Trying anal means you’re a curious, open-minded person, it does not necessarily say anything about what kind of sex you like, who you like to have sex with, or what your gender identity or sexual orientation is. Give yourself permission to try things without attaching meaning to them. 

Preparing for Anal Sex

Prep should include a comprehensive safer sex conversation, lubrication, the hygiene practice of your choosing, some sort of training or foreplay, and might include recreational drugs.

Have a Safer Sex Conversation

We say “safer” sex rather than “safe” sex, because no sex act is 100% risk free, the goal is to have informed consent about what your risks are, decide what risks you’re comfortable taking and what risk mitigation looks like to you.

People who have receive anal sex are at a slightly higher risk of anal cancer than people who don’t. This is thought to be related to the increased risk of HPV infection. There are vaccines to prevent to prevent the most common strains of HPV infection, and use of barrier methods greatly reduce the risk of HPV, but it is possible for HPV to infect areas of the body not covered by barrier methods so the risk is not completely eliminated.

Anal tissue is more fragile than vaginal tissue and more likely to tear, tearing increases the risk for anal fissures, and STI transmission. Lubrication greatly reduces the risk of tearing, as well as increases the comfort and pleasure of anal sex. The risk of HIV transmission when barrier methods aren’t used is slightly higher than it is for vaginal sex. There are several strategies for reducing the risk of HIV transmission including use of barrier methods, use of post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP), pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), and the use of antiretroviral therapy (ART) by the partner with HIV to maintain an undetectable viral load. When someone has an undetectable viral load they cannot pass HIV to someone else through sexual intercourse.

We encourage you to have on-going conversations with your sex partners about your testing practices, and what kinds of barrier methods you plan to use for what kinds of sex acts. Even if you are fluid bonded to your partner, and even if you are both monogamous, we still recommend barrier methods for anal sex. 

You Need Lubrication for Anal Sex

The anus, unlike the vagina, is not self-lubricating. You need lubricant for safety and comfort. The kind of lubricant you choose is a matter of personal preference as well as what other products are going to be incorporated into your sex. Silicone lubricant will generally be the most long-lasting and smooth feeling, and it’s compatible with latex and non-latex barrier methods, but it degrades silicone sex toys. So you might switch your toys to metal or glass, or switch your lube to water-based. Water-based lube is safe to use with silicone toys and won’t degrade latex, but it will dry out faster and need to be reapplied. Oil-based lube is not compatible with latex barrier methods, but is ok to use with silicone sex toys.

If you’re looking for specific product recommendations as well as other gadgets that make incorporating lube in anal sex easier, check out our article Let’s Get Wet: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Lube.

Hygiene

There are a range of hygiene practices when it comes to anal sex, for some people it involves a shower and a wet wipe, for others they prefer to douche. If you’re curious about enemas and anal douching, we recommend trying this out on a separate occasion to figure out how to get the hang of it and how your body will react.

This article published by Self has a great “how to” guide filled with tips for douching.

Otherwise, try to have a bowel movement beforehand, but don’t stress out overmuch, feces is stored in the rectum not the anal canal. If you think you might want to add anal sex to your routine regularly, make sure you’re getting plenty of fiber in your diet, and if not, supplement! This could be something as boring as adding benefiber or Metamucil to your smoothie or protein shake, but we also love the recipes published by @bottomsdigest.

How to Warm Up for Anal Sex

We think you’ll set yourself up for success if you try a range of different anal sex sensations and see what floats your boat. And while it can be fun to explore these together with a partner, there’s something to be said for figuring out what works for your body on your own before bringing someone else into it. 

There are lots of different sex toys designed specifically for anal play, make sure you’re using one of these, because they have flared based to prevent things from getting vacuum-suctioned right up there and stuck. There are toys of different shapes: like anal beads, plugs, dildos and prostate massagers toys. Toys also come in different materials like silicone, metal or glass. Some toys vibrate, some don’t. And there is an extremely wide range of sizes, shapes, colors, and concepts ranging from hyper-realistic to surreal. 

If your goal is to have receptive anal sex where your partner penetrates you with their penis, you’re going to want to work up to this in terms of size. Starting with fingers (your own or a partner’s), or buying a set of plugs that allows you to gradually work up from something small to something larger is a great way to feel out if the sensation of being penetrated by an erect penis is one you might enjoy, and what steps you need to take to get there.

We’re also going to put a plug in for both partners having some idea of what it’s like to be penetrated. We think the best givers are those who have also received. We’re not saying you should only receive anal sex from people who will let you peg them but it’s helpful for the penetrating partner to have some idea of what the sensation feels like. Anal sex is a uniquely intense sensation and it can be difficult to explain it if you have no concept for what it feels like. You want your partner to have an appreciation for the sensitivity of this particular sex act.

Do You Need To Take Drugs for Good Anal Sex?

You absolutely do not need to do drugs in order to enjoy anal sex. But some folks incorporate muscle relaxants or poppers. Poppers are alkyl nitrate compounds, that when inhaled act as a vasodilator and produce a brief and mild feeling of euphoria, warmth and dizziness. Poppers can be helpful for anal sex because they cause the tissue in your anus to relax. But they aren’t totally without risk, they can lead to a precipitous drop in blood pressure during sex which can lead to myocardial infarction and even sudden death, and this risk is more likely when combined with erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra. Other risks include glaucoma, contact dermatitis, asthma, nasal ulcers, nitrate poisoning and chemical burns.

At the Pomegranate Institute, we maintain that the decision about what substances you put in your body is your choice, and we’re not going to tell you what to do. We want you to have access to the information so you can decide what works best for you.

What's the Best Position for Anal Sex?

You might think having the receiving partner on their hands and knees, ass up is the best position to facilitate access, but we find this isn’t a particularly beginner-friendly position. We actually recommend good old-fashioned missionary, either with a pillow under the receiver’s hips, or at the edge of the bed with the person doing the penetrating standing up. These positions allow you to maintain easy verbal and non-verbal communication with your partner so you can check in throughout, and the familiarity and visibility can help you relax into it.

No cross-pollination

We love the clip of Laura Prepon explaining to her daughter on that 90s show that “once a nay-nay’s been in a nah-nah it can’t go in a hoo-hoo” and that’s the basic gist of it. Once you’ve started to have anal sex, even if you’re using barrier methods, you can’t switch to another kind of intercourse without some type of cleaning and fresh barrier. You rarely see the bathroom breaks, showers, and baby wipes in mainstream porn, but they’re a necessary part of sex to prevent infection.

You’ve prepped, now what?

As with any kind of sex, foreplay is an important part. With anal, your foreplay might include some anal-specific play. If someone with a clitoris is on the receiving end of anal sex, foreplay might look like inserting a finger or a small plug while engaging in a lot of clitoral stimulation until you’re feeling really relaxed, warmed up, and maybe even have had an orgasm. For someone with a prostate it might look like stimulating the prostate with fingers or a toy. 

Speaking of prostates, we recommend trying to find yours before you try receiving anal sex for the first time. Take your finger palm up, and insert it into the anus, towards the belly button, about two inches, you should feel something sort of bulbous, that’s your prostate! To stimulate it, try a “come hither” motion (stroking upwards towards the belly button), tapping it like you’re ringing a doorbell, or tracing small circles.

Hanging out here might feel really good, and like all the exploring you want to do, if so that’s great! If you want to try more penetration, make sure you’re adding enough lubricant (more than you think you need), and talk about what “more” looks like to your partner. Is more another finger? A bigger toy? A dildo that they insert themselves? A strap-on that you wear? Your penis?

If you’re inserting a bigger plug, dildo, or penis, you’re going to encounter the initial resistance of your partner’s sphincter muscle. Slowly keep going. For the person on the receiving end, it will feel like a stretching sensation, and maybe even a pop, like you’re pulling a lollipop out of your mouth suddenly, but nothing should hurt. If you feel pain, show down, stop, back up or take a break. If you feel an intense stretching sensation and this feels okay to you, you can stop or keep going. Find a depth of penetration that’s comfortable for you, it might not be all the way, not at first. It depends on you and your partner’s parts, how relaxed you are, how much practice you’ve had, and what thoughts have been going through your head lately. 

The person receiving should be the one giving feedback about speeding up, going deeper, or changing the angle. If the person doing the penetrating isn’t sure what to do next, ask!

Afterwards

Make sure you’re leaving some room to debrief after sex and post-sex cleanup are over. If you’re newer to anal sex, it probably doesn’t make sense to schedule it for right before you have to rush out the door to a parent-teacher conference.  Try to carve out some time to chat about what worked well and what might need to be adjusted. Is this something you both enjoyed and want to try again?

It’s normal for unexpected negative feelings to pop up. We’re a shame-saturated culture when it comes to sex, and even if you are your partner(s) have adopted a more sex and pleasure-positive framework, you can still internalize things from the dominant cultural discourse. Since anal sex is a sex act that still carries some stigma in certain circles, your negative feelings may be indicative of this internalized shame, rather than a lack of enjoyment. Who in your life can you talk to about these experiences and get support uprooting shame from your bedroom?

Talking to a sex therapist can be a great way to explore your sexual health in a safe and supportive environment.  We can help with tips and techniques and help you frame pleasure as an important part of your well-being.  If you're in Massachusetts and you want to talk to a sex therapist who's down to talk about anal sex, reach out!