How to Explore Your Sexual Desires and Preferences: A Guide to Sexual Self-Discovery
“So what do you like in bed?” A question that is meant to be thoughtful and flirty can sometimes strike a chord of terror.
What if we aren’t sure of exactly what we’re into? What if we’re into something specific but we’re nervous about how our partner might respond? What if we’re into something, but only sometimes, under certain circumstances and the particulars are kind of complicated? Today at The Pomegranate Institute we’re helping the horny, curious and sometimes trepidatious folks of Massachusetts explore their erotic landscape.
Check in with your body are you HALT?
The 12 step communities popularized the acronym HALT – hungry, angry, lonely, tired – as a way of being on the lookout for things that might put your sobriety in jeopardy, but the expression is also a useful one for framing states of mind that might hinder difficult conversations. While discussions about your turn ons and turn offs can be fun and sexy, they can also be stressful, and it’s worth trying to set yourself up for success by hosting these conversations at a time that you’re sober, well fed, well rested, calm, and feeling connected.
Take a quiz
If you find your mind going blank when you try to come up with bedroom-based activities, sometimes it can be helpful to see a big old list of examples, and notice what jumps out to you.
The Kink Test focuses on what they call “kink archetypes” like “Rope Bunny” and “Alpha sub”. You can take the survey anonymously, or give them your email address if you want a saved copy of your results. The quiz will give you example scenarios and ask you to rate to what extent you agree with each, ranging from 0% to 100%.
Example questions include: “Would you like to tie your partner up during sex?” And “Do you often feel free to unleash your animal instincts in bed like growling or biting?”
The Spicer App is designed to be used with a partner. You can link your profile to your partner’s using a secure code, and each of you can answer sex questions on your own devices and then see a list of common “yes” and “maybe”. Users have the option to submit their own questions to post to their partner, and you can even keep a record of activities you’ve already done together.
Read erotica
A virtual walk through kindle unlimited is a great way to normalize that if you can dream it up, someone wrote a book about it, and someone else is masturbating while they read it! Whether it’s fan fiction, aliens, or dinosaurs, you can find it on on the internet. Some of the most popular titles include:
Ali Hazelwood books, standalone books leaning more towards romance and slightly less smut, with a side of fan fiction (The Love Hypothesis was originally written as a Reylo ship). If you like forbidden love between werewolves and vampires, try Bride, if you like physics and the “fake dating” trope, try Love, Theoretically.
Duskwalker Brides series by Opal Reyn, the dedication of which is “to all the MonsterFuckers out there, this book is for you. Don’t pretend that you’ve never wanted to be railed by some human eating dark entity that has a skull for a face – you saw the cover, you knew what you were getting yourself into, and you still chose to open this book and read it.”
The Priest Collection by Sierra Simone, a you guessed it – priest – forbidden romance which left some goodreads readers saying “I felt the need to go to confession and I’m not even Catholic!”
Ice Planet Barbarians series by Ruby Dixon, human women get stranded on an ice planet and invariably wind up having sex with 7 foot tall blue aliens.
Unicorn Pleasures series by Cecilia Chase, did you ever what someone to describe exactly how to fuck a unicorn? Then this one is for you!
Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith by Sarah Waters, an extremely well written mix of historical fiction and lesbian coming of age stories.
Goliaths of Wrestling books by Lily Mayne, paranormal gay romance involving a wrestling team.
Erotica can be a great way to sample new things in the privacy of your own imagination, if you’re not quite ready to try something out in real time. You can give it a read, and see how it makes you feel, maybe it gets you hot and bothered, maybe it doesn’t, either way, it’s all ok!
Talk to your friends
The best way to get good at talking about sex is to talk about sex. And if talking to the person you’re actually having sex with feels too nerve-wracking, try talking to your more libertine friends.
This doesn’t mean getting inquisitive about something someone would rather keep private, it can involve talking about “this book I saw in an article on a therapist’s website” or a movie, or swapping some low stakes stories. Practice, and notice that the sky doesn’t actually fall down if you talk about S-E-X, and build up your confidence, until, much like Jessica Day in that one episode of New Girl, you can say “penis” without giggling.
Meditation
It can be hard to identify what a “yes” might feel in your body. Try imagining a really positive memory that is non sexual. For me, it’s recreating Marcus’s chocolate cake from The Bear with some friends for my birthday. It instantly evokes warm, silly, and relaxed feelings. Now imagine something from the sex menu that is an easy “yes” for you, something you know you like, how do the feelings in your body shift? Notice this, then go back to your happy memory and reactivate those feelings. Now, imagine something on the “maybe” list. What comes up for you? How does this shift compare to when you thought of something on the “yes” list?
Is the kink-positivity in the room with us?
People will always be titillated by sex stuff, and sex is absolutely worth giggling about! But sometimes sex jokes find their punch line by making fun of kink in a way that comes across as distinctly mean spirited. For example, Nikki Glaser has a bit that conflates liking to be called “Daddy” in bed with being sexually attracted to children. Her comedic timing is admittedly hilarious, but when we laugh, share and promote this kind of content, we make it harder for our kinky friends to come out and find each other. If you’re dropping this video in the group chat to general applause, is your friend who’s into age play or ABDL left with the impression they have to keep this to themselves? As you explore your own interests, it’s ok to realize there’s a wide swatch of the sexual landscape that just isn’t for you, and you’re absolutely entitled and encouraged to communicate this to partners, but it’s important to do this in a way that doesn’t convey shame or disapproval for what other consenting adults like to get up to in the bedroom.
If you’re looking for tips on how to communicate about your interests without kink shaming, check out our article “How to Not Kink Shame Your Partner” and if you want to talk about your yess, nos and maybes with a pleasure-positive and kink-aware sex therapist, reach out! We love helping would be kinksters across Massachusetts lead joy filled lives!
Sarah Chotkowski, LICSW | Kink-Aware Therapist in Massachusetts
Based in Western Massachusetts, Sarah is a therapist who specializes in treating patients from erotically marginalized communities. She is queer, LGBTQIA+ affirming, kink-aware, pleasure-positive, and passionate about working with people who practice Ethical Non-Monogamy/Polyamory and folks who have been or are involved in sex work.
