When Is It Ok to Ghost Someone?

A rabbit hole of research for this article led us to the first whisper of “ghosting” on the internet, a hilarious relatable parody music video written by Hannah VanderPoel called “Ghoster’s Paradise” first posted in March of 2014.  The video quickly went viral, and soon every popular press outlet from HuffPost, Vox, and The New York Times, were talking about it and saying “same, girl!” 

Early content focused on the humor of being delulu enough to believe someone with a supercomputer in their pocket really liked us, and had a VERY plausible reason for taking three days to text us back. 

There was something cathartic in naming this out loud, and realizing it wasn’t just us, it was happening to hot, funny, interesting people everywhere. 

This behavior became so ubiquitous it was almost normalized.  And with the reluctant acceptance of ghosting came a veritable Scooby squad of dating behavior so cringe it got its own name: 

• Ghostlighting: When someone ghosts, and then gaslights you when you try to confront them. 

• Breadcrumbing: Texting someone back just often enough (but not often at all) to keep their attention, either to keep them on the back burner for the future, or because you like the attention. 

• Orbiting: Cutting off all contact, but “orbiting” around their social media. Think the guy you went on a date with once 3 years ago who still fire emoji reacts to all your stories. 

But Why Though? 

We found several factors that impact the likelihood that someone will ghost: 

• The belief that sending a text saying you don’t want to continue the relationship is mean, meaner than ghosting 

• The degree to which on-line dating has created a “gamified” experience that allows users to suspend their awareness that they are talking to real people who have lives an emotional experiences as valid and complicated as their own. 

• Lack of social or environmental overlap with dates leads to the belief that “no one will know” that they ghosted. 

The consensus seems to be that ghosting isn’t very nice, but it’s a relatively harmless way of avoiding the momentary discomfort of telling someone you don’t want to see them again. 

But is ghosting really consequence free? 

No of course not.  It can leave people wondering, even ruminating on what went wrong, especially in the absence of any clear information.  This kind of perseveration isn’t good for our mental health, it can chip away at our self-esteem, our confidence and our capacity for romantic optimism.   

Here at The Pomegranate Institute, we’re superstitious enough to believe in dating karma, and genuinely believe that sitting with the complicated feelings involved in being vulnerable with another human being, is an essential component of dating.   

We would love to see less ghosting, but before we dive into the alternatives, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention some scenarios where ghosting is entirely appropriate. If you have any concerns about your personal safety, whether it’s “just a feeling”, or someone has said or done something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you don’t owe them an explanation or any further communication. 

But let’s say the date was fine, maybe even good, but just not your cup of tea right now. You don’t want to waste their time, or your time, and you want to be clear but kind.  What do you do? 

This concept is apparently so radical that we don’t even have a cool pop culture name for it yet, we’re calling it “anti-ghosting” 

Bumble suggests this formula for sending an anti-ghosting text: 1.) start with a salutation and a genuine compliment 2.) give a specific reason for ending things 3.) gently close the door on future possibilities, examples could include: 

Hi Sam, thanks again for that delicious dinner on Thursday. I’ve given it some thought, and while I enjoyed swapping music recommendations, I didn’t feel a romantic connection with you. I wish you all the best. 

The thought of sending a text like this may make you want to throw your phone across the room and then hide under a pile of blankets, so take a deep breath, and remember that you’re treating a fellow human being the way that you would want to be treated, and the discomfort you are feeling with peak in intensity, and then dissipate, and probably not come back. 

You’re very brave (ken) for being the one to initiate an important but slightly awkward conversation, so do what you need to do to positively reinforce the behavior.  You absolutely deserve a little treat! You may also want to make a plan to spend time with friends or do another dopamine-promoting activity while you wait for a response. 

Speaking of responses, brace yourself, just because you’re being very mature and having this conversation doesn’t mean the other person will be receptive to it. 

Some people may respond negatively to your efforts to be kind but firm, with passive aggressive statements like “I agree, 0 chemistry” Ouch. 

If that’s the case, add the interaction to the “trash takes itself out” category and do your best to move on.  Easier said than done, we know.  But you can pat yourself on the back knowing that you tried to be honest, kind and a little vulnerable, and we sincerely hope that good energy comes back around to you! 

In conclusion, relationships, be they serious or casual, vanilla or kinky, monogamous or non-monogamous are messy, but laying a strong foundation for open communication will serve you well when you do find the right someone(s).  And if you want to talk over your dating misadventures with a pleasure-positive therapist near you, reach out! We can’t wait to meet you.